I went for a walk with Mom today, and on these walks I often come away with an insight that neither of us ever intended. Today it was about relationships. My Mom was married six times; my Dad, seven. I’ve had two significant relationships, each squeaking to the six-year mark.
Mom always said to me that when it comes to marriage, “forever” is about seven years. When I married, I definitely married for life, but all of the longest-lived relationships I know of include some sort of outside sexual play, whether it’s acknowledged or not. A few years into the relationship, one or both partners stray, a guest star is invited into the bedroom occasionally, or there is a an openness that develops. It seems natural, and it makes me reconsider monogamy and marriage entirely, but not as you might think, or as I expected.
Instead of the forever vow and a gradual degradation thereof, I may favor a shorter, more realistic relationship entered by partners who know it will end not necessarily in death or divorce, but in a number of years when it has very simply run its course.
At that point, it can conclude – not in bitterness and anger – but with an evolution into a deep and lasting familial bond. After all, we spend a number of years integrating a partner into our family; another heart beating in the body 0f the family, and ripping that heart out causes incalculable damage. That’s not to say it couldn’t last a lifetime and end at a gravesite, but that wouldn’t be the expectation going in.
One scenario:
Two people meet, date, fall in love, become exclusive, meet each other’s families, cohabitate and marry (in either order), the whole time making promises of forever. Thousands of fantastic memories are made and their families become interwoven.
A handful of years later, each begins to take the other for granted, in subtle, non-malicious ways, and the sex becomes less frequent. They could opt to take stock of their union periodically, but the “forever vow” renders those moot. They’re in this ’til death.
One of them may have an affair. The other may find out, and offer forgiveness, but never forgetting. As the patina grows on their wedding bands, the relationship earns its scars and the relationship that once made their hearts soar is now sagging under the weight of all of their professed forevers. They fight. ”Fuck me” has become “Fuck you.” They go to counseling.
It may be that one of the two has hit a wall that keeps them from expressing any deeper intimacy. It may be that one of them has let go of the dreams or personal care that once made them irresistible. No matter what’s happened, they’re not having much fun, and time ticks on relentlessly. Arguments turn into separations; separation begs divorce. They fight over money and possessions. Friends choose sides. The fabric of the family is torn apart, and the two deeply mourn the loss of their partner, lover, best friend. Eventually, they’ll cautiously re-enter the dating pool, scraping together whatever hope they can that the next relationship is better than the last.
Now the alternative:
Two people meet, date, fall in love, and as they decide to become exclusive, they commit to treat the other with the utmost love and respect, which includes an acknowledgement that the relationship will likely not last “forever,” but as long as it is healthy and generative for the individuals as it is the couple. They may even include a prenup.
With that understanding, they meet each other’s families. They don’t necessarily have to share their arrangement, but they certainly could. Since there is a 50% chance their own parents are divorced, it could be a refreshing and enviable way to begin their relationship. They cohabitate and marry (in either order, and if they must), and make thousands of fantastic memories, cherishing each of them even more, as they recognize the finite time in which they’ll get to make them. Again, it doesn’t mean they might not make the memories “forever” but they aren’t setting themselves up for forever vs. failure. Along the way, they take stock of the relationship, mending worn spots, and estimating the quality of their happiness, love, and agreement.
They may even take better care of themselves to keep things hot and interesting.
However many years later, each begins to take the other for granted, in subtle, non-malicious ways, and the sex becomes less frequent. They reevaluate the relationship to determine if the hurdles are surmountable, counseling-worthy, or a sign that they are near the end of the relationship. If one is tempted to have an affair, and the urge isn’t fleeting, that may be a good sign it is time to transition.
Their familial bonds need not be broken. They lovingly and respectfully move on, and having known from the start that this day might come, there’s a pretty good chance it won’t be as difficult.
Imagine a butterfly landing on your open palm. No matter how badly you wanted it to stay, you wouldn’t close your hand around it. At best you’d damage its wings; at worst, you’d kill it. Instead, you’d go silent and attentive, taking in each second, for each second could be the last. It may linger longer than you expected. It may move to your head, or shoulder, as you stand there elated and amazed, and then it goes on its way, and leaves you smiling and grateful.
Being men, we’re not impervious to the Cinderella myth, or to the concept of marriage as imposed by Judeo-Christian belief, and that can’t even be followed by some of its most devout followers… I mean, Newt Gingrich, for crying out loud. I often think about how surprising and modern it would have been if my ex and I had stood in front of 150 of our black-tied friends and said, “‘Til we cease to feed each other’s souls, and contribute wholly and whole-heartedly to something that is greater than the two of us, and not taking from it.” I bet it would have been a whole lot different.
The Wall Street Journal posted an article called “The 25 Documents You Need Before You Die” which is great, but the “before you die” part tempts one to procrastinate. Since we don’t know when we’ll die, I’d say we all need these right now.
