I always thought turning 40 would be the beginning of the end. And for me it was, but not in the way I imagined. I turned 40 and my life spun out of control into a downward spiral.

At the time, I was living the gay dream: a loving partner, a beautiful home, a great dog, a respected career, and supportive family and friends. I had it all but I was miserable. I was lying and cheating on my partner. My “recreational” drug use had become a serious addiction. My fear of aging was paralyzing me and my social anxiety was so bad that I rarely left home. Not surprisingly, I soon hit rock bottom.

When your top priority in life is having the best body at a circuit party to get fleeting attention from strangers, it’s not going to end well. All of that is cute in your 20’s but when you can’t let go of it at 40, you can implode. And I did. I’d been numbing myself for 20 years in order to feel accepted and loved by everyone and I no longer wanted to live that way.

So at 41, I made a choice to live my life differently.

Now at 43 and almost two years sober, I’m living MY dream. I have a supportive family and friends, great dogs, a job I love, a beautiful home, but most importantly– I have myself. I have grown into a man. I live my life honestly and with integrity. I’m still insecure and wish the aging process wasn’t so cruel but I’ve accepted it. I’m no longer using steroids and Botox to make myself feel better because they never did anyway.

Instead I gain my strength and self worth through prayer, friendship, my work, and being of service to others. I’m present in my life now and I’m learning to love myself. I’m proud of who I’ve become. As the days and years go by, I’m no longer dreading getting older but excited for the adventures that lay ahead. 50? Bring it on!!!

- Evan, Los Angeles, CA